paralyzed with fear.

That's exactly how I was feeling at about five o' clock in the morning one day last week when I woke suddenly and dramatically from a terrifying dream. I don't remember all of the details, but this is what I do remember:

I was laying down outside, next to others on either side of me in their own little sleeping bags. They were fast asleep, but I laid awake watching the stars above me. Then suddenly the sky starts to bend and twist and loom in ways I could not possibly describe. I became frightened at the sight and tried to wake those around me, but neither my voice nor my limbs obeyed. I struggled more and more frantically and was finally able to stir just enough to wake them but they were still unconcerned. My voice refused to work, though inside I was screaming "help," "wake up," "don't you see?"...

I woke up in real life, hyperventilating, my fists clenched, and still feeling heaviness in my arms that prevented me from moving them without real effort. As I laid there, trying to understand what just happened and reacquainting myself with my surroundings, I began to feel an overwhelming sense of irrational fear in my waking thoughts as well. I struggled to keep myself from thinking about all of the potential bad things. The monsters in my closet, the bad guys outside my window. I try not to notice the eerie silence.

Before bed the previous night, I was talking to God and asking Him to speak to me. I wanted to hear Him and know it was Him. I felt inspired almost immediately and starting writing. It connected with my heart and it flowed out willingly, yet I questioned the subject He gave me. I questioned God. I thought "there is no way I could post that at this time, God!" It seemed so random to me at first, yet so completely relevant on second thought. "But I am not the person to be able to speak about that topic, God... It is too sensitive and I don't want to offend or upset anyone." So I stopped writing for the night and went to sleep. I rationalized that I'd re-visit in the morning and see if there were a better way to approach it.

Then I had this frightening dream that caught my attention in a very real way.

The next morning, trying to understand what happened, I began searching biblegateway with phrases like "visions" and "dreams." I guess I hadn't fully realized this before, but there are a LOT of these mentioned in the bible. I began scanning through them all and was immediately drawn to three different passages. 1 Samuel 3; Job 33; Luke 1.

Again, I'm just giving you my brief synopsis so I'm not writing you a novel, but I really recommend you read the actual passages.

1 Samuel 3:

One night, as Samuel was laying in bed, he hears a voice. Not recognizing it as God, he goes to his caretaker, Eli and asks why he called him. Eli tells him he did not and to go back to bed. This happens two more times. On the third time, Eli tells Samuel to answer, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." God then basically tells Samuel that He is going to fulfill His promise to judge Eli and his family forever because of their sins and lack of repentance. Of course, the next morning, Eli asks about the message Samuel must have heard last night. Samuel tells him and Eli responds by saying "He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes” (18).

Job 33:

Job is being rebuked for saying that he is pure, has done nothing wrong, and yet God is picking on him and treating him as an enemy. Elihu tells him he is dead wrong, that God is greater than any human. He tells him that "God does speak—now one way, now another—though no one perceives it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings" (13-15). He goes on to say that God speaks to us, sometimes through vision, sometimes through harsh circumstances, but that if we pray to God and find favor with him, we will see God’s face and shout for joy; he will restore us to full well-being. Then we can go to others, admit our mistakes but share the joy that we did not get what we deserved, but instead God has delivered us from going down to the pit, and we shall live to enjoy the light of life (26-28).

Luke 1:

A priest named Zechariah was going about his daily duties, when all of a sudden an angel comes to him and begins to speak. He becomes scared. The angel says, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to call him John" (John the Baptist). The angel goes on to tell him all of the joy and delight that this son will bring to him and to the nations. But Zechariah is still standing there stunned and questions the angel, asking why he should believe him. The angel basically says, well, in case you haven't noticed I am an angel and God has sent me. But now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time (5-20).

What do all of these stories have in common? God IS speaking. But unless we recognize His voice (Samuel), listen to His truth (Job), and believe it (Zechariah), we won't hear it.

Moral of the story? God loves you and WANTS to give you the desires of your heart. But if you ask God to hear from Him, be ready to listen. What He says is always important, though you may not always understand why. I'm not sure why He has me writing this or the other post He gave me that night. If I'm being honest, I don't even fully understand why He has me writing at all, but I am doing it nonetheless. God gave me the inspiration and the words to say for my last blog post, but I questioned Him on it. I forgot, for a brief moment, that He is God and I am not. So He gave me this dream as a warning. Not to scare me away or yell at me, but as a gentle reminder that He knows better than I do.

One of my all time favorite worship songs is "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"... Maybe you've heard of it? I love it because it is just beautiful and so easy to connect with, but I also love it because every single time I sing it, I hear a new piece of God's truth spoken through it. We sang it at church this week, and in my mind, all of it connected directly to this situation. 

I had been struggling pretty hard over this past week since this encounter. I was feeling a bit like I failed, like I let my Father down. I had asked God to speak to me and He did! Almost immediately! And my reaction was to basically run and hide. He gave me multiple opportunities, yet I cowered each time. 

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"

These words speak peace to my soul. God is patient, God is kind. I may have "failed" temporarily this past week, but I am still trying. I did eventually post that blog. But I didn't talk about it at my small group when God wanted me to. My feet are failing, just a little, but God's grace abounds in deepest waters. He is my guide and although I may feel like I am failing, God never fails.

There is a lot of trust in following God if you are fully in it. Trust that He exists. Trust that it is Him talking to you. Trust that He will make everything work together for your good. Trust that He will use your imperfection. Trust in His grace that says we are forgiven anyways. Trust that what He says through you matters.

So my prayer for this time of my life is this:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

I am in uncharted waters for me. Six months ago, I couldn't have even imagined standing where I am today. God knows that. The same goes for you, too, friends! My "ocean" right now is learning to let God speak through me. Your "ocean" could be the same as mine, or maybe it is figuring out what to do with the rest of your life, or maybe it is overcoming grief, or maybe it is something completely different. I just want to encourage you today that God's grace is enough. He doesn't expect you to be perfect or to have it all figured out, He just expects you to keep your eyes on Him and try again.

"I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise"

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