Do you know what the best part of the trip was? The most memorable moments? It must have been the Grand Canyon, right? Or maybe visiting the university where I had planned on spending the next several years of my life? Nope. Not even close.
I can confidently say that the absolute best, most memorable moments of that trip were the random, unplanned, seemingly insignificant snapshots that are only retrievable in my own mind. I cannot share those images with you because they were not the moments I captured to post on Instagram or Facebook. They were not the events I had carefully planned in my itinerary.
It was driving through Arizona and seeing colors I had never seen before. It was blasting Dashboard Confessional and Jimmy Eat World and singing along terribly. It was meeting a woman on the road who had just lost her son and was bringing his ashes back home. It was having a near anxiety attack in a parking garage in St. Louis, MO. It was staring off a loading dock alone in the wee hours of the morning in Nashville, TN. It was good and it was bad.
The image at the top of this post is of me. Sitting on the edge of the world as I knew it. Holding onto my plans and my successes with every fiber of my being. Seeing my plans written into stone because I had carefully, strategically, and painfully carved them there.
Ever since I can remember I have been a stubborn, driven, persistent individual. I'm the type of person to have check lists that remind me to mark things off my check list and eat meals. I have always had plans for my life and plotted them along little timelines that were as good as gold in my mind. High school diploma by 17, Master's degree by 22, PhD by 25, husband and kids well before 30. I made little room for anything that interrupted or interfered with this at all. I ended relationships, I lost touch with friends. I even tattooed Jeremiah 29:11 on my arm, convincing myself that when my plans failed, it was because God had better plans...even though I didn't fully believe or trust that (yet). I rationalized that my plans were perfect, but maybe they just needed slight alteration now and again...and that must be why there were constantly issues arising.
Shortly after I returned from this epic road trip across our beautiful country, I suffered a very real mental and emotional breakdown. I saw my plans breaking down before my eyes. I saw that I was forcing these timelines so I could feel some sense of control and I was hurting people along the way. I saw that what I had wanted wasn't what God wanted. In trying to control everything in my life, I was also taking on the pain and guilt of every single mistake I had ever made. It all just continually piled on top of itself until I could no longer hold up the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then I felt everything all at once.
In the weeks and days thereafter, as I reflected back on the journey I had just returned from, I realized exactly what I told you earlier in this post. It was not the big destinations or planned stops that had touched me, changed me, or opened my heart to revelation. It was those little moments along the way, the ones I never could've planned for, and if I had, they probably wouldn't have had as much impact anyway. It sounds cliche, but we expect our lives to be comprised of "destinations" like degrees, marriage, children, money, etc. We look so wholeheartedly towards those things that we often miss the little moments that can breathe real life into our monotonous existence. We put so much effort into achieving goals that we inevitably become our own gods.
Since my dark time following the road trip, God has been working in me and through me more powerfully than I had ever experienced before. He tore down my walls and is helping me to see the life of His truth in the small moments of my everyday life more and more each day. I want to share some of these simple, yet life changing moments with you! My hope is that some of my imperfect words spoken quietly through a computer screen will speak life to the parts of you that are broken as well.
For today, I just wanted to introduce this new blog and invite you on my little journey. I've never done this before, but I am excited and have already begun writing out ideas for future posts (my planner nature still subtly shining through). But for now, if you are one of those planning people like me, I wanted to just leave you with a couple words of encouragement.
God has an appointed time to fulfill the visions, dreams, and desires in your heart. Just because it has taken a long time or because you’ve tried and failed doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. Don’t give up on those dreams! Don’t be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. Our God is a faithful God (Habakkuk 2:3). He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
God has really cool plans for us. We might think we know better, or that we understand what it is He is doing. Whether your life is going perfectly right now or you are frustrated with your timelines not working out exactly how you had planned, just remember that God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has a set time for your opportunities and your breakthroughs. It may be tomorrow, next week, or ten years from now. But when you understand the time has already been set, it takes all the pressure off! You won’t live worried, wondering when this is ever going to happen. You’ll relax and enjoy your life knowing that the promise has already been fulfilled and your answer is on the way. Just don't be so focused on the big picture that you miss out on the little things!
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