Come and rest here.

If you've lived in this world long enough, it will probably be fairly easy for you to recall a time when you've felt overwhelmed and wanted nothing more than to just be held. If you aren't the touchy feely type, your desire might have been to just have someone spend time with you. You didn't really want to hear words of advice or answer questions, you just wanted a little rest and to know that someone was there for you.

...

I am typically the type of person to tend toward being a perfectionist and holding in emotions until they can no longer be held in. There are upsides and downsides to both of those. On one hand, I am great at school, work, and any other projects that may arise in life. I get tasks done quickly and efficiently. On the other hand, I sometimes have a hard time with social things. I become focused on the doing and forget about the feeling or the trusting.

I think there are two types of people in this world. The type to take breaks and slowly, but surely accomplish goals... and the type to push through quickly and deal with the destruction later. I am the latter of the two. Do you remember the popular children's tale of "The Tortoise and the Hare"? I would be the "hare." My speed and determination can be extremely effective, but it can also be very unhealthy. It often leads to moments like the one described in the beginning of this post.

Within the past six months or so, God's been showing me it doesn't need to be this way and teaching how to find rest and experience peace. I want to share with you some of the simple little things that help me:

1. Listen to God's words of encouragement and security.

When I'm struggling with something, I go to BibleGateway.com and search relevant words or phrases. This may seem super simple, but it's actually been so unbelievably helpful.

Searching for rest:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy."  - Psalm 94:18-19

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14

This was something fun I found when doing this and comparing versions of the topic of perfectionism:

Psalm 18:32 
"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." (NIV) 
"God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect." (NLT) 

2 Samuel 22:33 
"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." (NIV) 
"God is my strong fortress, and he makes my way perfect." (NLT)

Both verses talk about God being the one to give us strength and making our way "perfect" or "secure." It's an interesting replacement word, don't you think? In my prayers that day, I felt God telling me that my future is secure in Him and He is the only way anything I ever do with be anything near "perfect." It's not my works, my worries, or my fixes, but His perfect plans.

2. Take a break.

Give yourself the night off!

But you have chores to do, papers to write (or grade), projects to complete? I would venture to say this is probably the biggest issue that prevents us from experiencing peace and rest. We have this idea that the world will stop if we aren't constantly moving in some way. I am in no way saying to abandon all responsibilities. But, honestly, if you give yourself a break, even just for an hour, your work is going to be so much better anyways. Those papers/chores/kids/etc will be there in an hour, I promise. If you don't have an hour, even five minutes is better than nothing.

As a teacher and life-long student, there are plenty of studies I could show you on the merits of incorporating small breaks into your studying time or lectures to increase true productivity and retention. A quick Google search should satiate your curiosity, if you need citations.

Some of my favorite ways to take a break:

Art is such a fun outlet for me. If you're not an artist, you don't have to show anyone your work!

Coloring. Yep. Like coloring books. There are actually coloring books being made marketed towards adults now, featuring more complex designs rather than Disney characters. Personally, I would much prefer the kids books. #noshame

Read a book.

 
Find a random documentary on Netflix. [I recommend the one on "Tiny Houses"!]

Go for a run. Do some Zumba. Pick things up and put them down.

Go old school! Dust off your favorite game on N64 or SNES and see if your sweet skills are still there! Sidenote: Tony Hawk Pro Skater is my game, and yes, I am still great at it.

Go even more old school and play some board games! If you live anywhere near Plymouth, MI, there is a board game lounge downtown called 3&Up that is really just fantastic for this.

3. Spend some time with God.

This is different than #1. Searching God's word and letting Him speak to you in that way is great! But spending time with God can also be just finding a quiet space, maybe listening to music, and talking with God. Or letting yourself be quiet and restful enough to hear Him speak.

Think back to when you were a kid. Although you probably valued your new found "independence" and wanted to spend much of your time playing alone, there were probably also times when you wanted to come back to your anchor and spend time with your parent(s). Especially when things got rough.

My three year old nephew is the biggest little ball of pure energy I've ever experienced. He wants to do everything on his own and he wants to do it on his terms. But the moment he gets hurt or sad or sick, he immediately wants mom (or dad or grandma). He wants words of encouragement that things will be okay, but more so he just wants their touch and their presence. He wants to be held and feel that he is loved.

This is what spending time with God is like for me. It's saying, "God, here are the things on my heart. Give me reassurance of your love and perfect will. Tell me it's going to be okay, and that if it's not, you're here to hold me anyways."

A couple of my favorite songs (sort of) on the topic:
Hold me near - Enter the worship circle

Here - Kari Jobe

4. Act like a kid! 

This is actually probably just a combination of the others I've mentioned. Kids are just such great examples of trust and dependence. Children don't worry about perfection because they know their parents are there to help them and fix their mistakes. Actually, they typically don't worry at all; they play. They ask questions, earnestly seeking the answers (see #1). They don't spend too much time doing one thing before they want to take a break and move on to something different (see #2). They love spending time with their parents (#3). If you're trusting God and not constantly trying to make everything perfect, you get to act like a kid!

Sometimes that means silencing your inner perfectionist to stay up until 4am on a work night just walking around Meijer, talking about nothing "productive" (at least in the obvious ways) or not letting yourself be too worried about what the landlords would think to build a giant fort the size of your living room.

I've found that trusting fully in God's provision for my life allows me to experience the joy and peace of a wholly dependent child. I'm not fighting to control things or constantly grasping, trying to hold onto things on my terms. We think being an adult means being serious about everything and feeling the responsibility to make everything "good," even though that's never really the way God intended it to be. God wants to take care of things for us. He has the plans for our lives and sees them plotted out in front of Him. Struggling and trying to make things happen when I want them is never going to make anything better

So I get to just trust Him, seek His will, and enjoy the ride, knowing He's taking care of everything :)

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" - Matthew 6:26

<3

what i don't deserve...

I do not deserve a handsome, kind, gentle, loving man who wakes me up every morning with sweet, heartfelt words in text messages and prays over me every time we say goodbye. I do not deserve a patient, encouraging, supportive friend who sings to me, holds me, and talks to God with me during my times of struggle and confusion.

I do not deserve a fellowship with a full ride, stipend, and benefits to a doctorate program.

I do not deserve to make a real and meaningful difference in my career path.

I do not deserve all of the opportunities I've been given throughout my life.

I do not deserve God's life-giving, awe-inspiring, unrelenting grace and forgiveness. I do not deserve to live while Jesus had to die.

...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about our pasts and how that relates to our now. 

The other night, Jack and I had a conversation about this trying to reconcile our thoughts and understand what God really thinks. I've been under this understanding that our past is our past; we sin and we are forgiven. But as humans, the "forgive but don't forget" mantra is so deeply engrained in our minds that it is almost impossible to see life without our past mistakes. We know we are forgiven. We know we are changed. But our past is still a part of us, right? I've been thinking that who I am today is because of the things I've been through and what I've had to overcome. That I am better able to connect with others because of those things. That there is value in my past because it provides me with perspective.

But God says that our sins are erased; they are as far from us as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). [see Jack's post on the topic] "There is now no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

Well those are completely different ideas. Either our past is good or our past is removed from us. It can't be both. I was struggling with which was the truth. So in our conversation the other night, we talked about the differences and similarities, and asked God what He thought.

Here's the thing:

I was living as if I am still a burden. Like God has forgiven me because He has to, not because He wants to; like my sins are forgiven, but not forgotten. That's just not true!

My sins and my mistakes were not good. They never will be. The only reason my past has any value at all is because it is a constant reminder of God's infinite, incomprehensible, undeserved grace. I don't deserve any of the things I've been blessed with. But because God is my dad and I am His favorite (and you are too), He wants to lavish me with love. I am His daughter and He loves me. It doesn't make sense to us because we live in this world and things are not that simple here, but my sins are gone. They are deleted. It's like a canvas miraculously made blank and ready to display a brand new masterpiece.

Because I am forgiven, because God has deleted all those things I've done and sees me as pure and innocent, He gets to just pour out His love on me. I still do not deserve all of the amazing things He does for me, but He sees me as worthy. I'm not a burden that He just has to forgive, but His daughter that He wants to forgive and He does so willingly.

The parable of "the Good Shepherd" is one you are probably familiar with. Jesus says, "I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." - John 10:9-11

But just a few verses further down is what sticks out to me today. He says, "No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again.” John 10:18
 
He chose to lay down His life for us. He didn't have to, but He wanted to!  

He sees us as His own and He sees us as valuable and worthy (Matthew 10:29-31). He is pleased to give us His kingdom (Luke 12:32), He wants to give us good gifts (Matthew 7:9-11), He would trade all of creation for us (Isaiah 43:2-4), and He tells us we are no longer "wandering exiles" but are now being built into His holy temple in which God is at home (Ephesians 2:19-22). All we have to do is believe in Him (John 3:16). If you are a believer and follower of Christ, you are forgiven. You are made new! You are a blank canvas, ready to display God to others, not because of your past, but because of God's incomprehensible, infinite, amazing love and grace.

It's like this... Do you have any of those moments from when you were a kid that you sometimes look back on and cringe so hard about? Maybe you teased someone in middle school or yelled a little too hard at the dog or let a fish die because you forgot to feed it for a week. Something will trigger these memories and you can still feel that pain so vividly. It's like you are right back there, experiencing it all over again. Typically we brush it off as "I was just a kid and I didn't realize what I was doing" or something along those lines. But if you've ever let that thought linger, and think about what you could've done differently, it can easily ruin your day (or week). This is what it's like when you refuse to let God completely remove those sins from your life. They could be gone. They are gone. 

Deleted. 
Wiped clean.  
Forever erased.

You don't have to let your past sins speak words of pain and death and sorrow to your heart. 

You are God's now. Choose to hear His words that bring life and hope and joy. You are forgiven.

 <3

paralyzed with fear.

That's exactly how I was feeling at about five o' clock in the morning one day last week when I woke suddenly and dramatically from a terrifying dream. I don't remember all of the details, but this is what I do remember:

I was laying down outside, next to others on either side of me in their own little sleeping bags. They were fast asleep, but I laid awake watching the stars above me. Then suddenly the sky starts to bend and twist and loom in ways I could not possibly describe. I became frightened at the sight and tried to wake those around me, but neither my voice nor my limbs obeyed. I struggled more and more frantically and was finally able to stir just enough to wake them but they were still unconcerned. My voice refused to work, though inside I was screaming "help," "wake up," "don't you see?"...

I woke up in real life, hyperventilating, my fists clenched, and still feeling heaviness in my arms that prevented me from moving them without real effort. As I laid there, trying to understand what just happened and reacquainting myself with my surroundings, I began to feel an overwhelming sense of irrational fear in my waking thoughts as well. I struggled to keep myself from thinking about all of the potential bad things. The monsters in my closet, the bad guys outside my window. I try not to notice the eerie silence.

Before bed the previous night, I was talking to God and asking Him to speak to me. I wanted to hear Him and know it was Him. I felt inspired almost immediately and starting writing. It connected with my heart and it flowed out willingly, yet I questioned the subject He gave me. I questioned God. I thought "there is no way I could post that at this time, God!" It seemed so random to me at first, yet so completely relevant on second thought. "But I am not the person to be able to speak about that topic, God... It is too sensitive and I don't want to offend or upset anyone." So I stopped writing for the night and went to sleep. I rationalized that I'd re-visit in the morning and see if there were a better way to approach it.

Then I had this frightening dream that caught my attention in a very real way.

The next morning, trying to understand what happened, I began searching biblegateway with phrases like "visions" and "dreams." I guess I hadn't fully realized this before, but there are a LOT of these mentioned in the bible. I began scanning through them all and was immediately drawn to three different passages. 1 Samuel 3; Job 33; Luke 1.

Again, I'm just giving you my brief synopsis so I'm not writing you a novel, but I really recommend you read the actual passages.

1 Samuel 3:

One night, as Samuel was laying in bed, he hears a voice. Not recognizing it as God, he goes to his caretaker, Eli and asks why he called him. Eli tells him he did not and to go back to bed. This happens two more times. On the third time, Eli tells Samuel to answer, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." God then basically tells Samuel that He is going to fulfill His promise to judge Eli and his family forever because of their sins and lack of repentance. Of course, the next morning, Eli asks about the message Samuel must have heard last night. Samuel tells him and Eli responds by saying "He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes” (18).

Job 33:

Job is being rebuked for saying that he is pure, has done nothing wrong, and yet God is picking on him and treating him as an enemy. Elihu tells him he is dead wrong, that God is greater than any human. He tells him that "God does speak—now one way, now another—though no one perceives it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings" (13-15). He goes on to say that God speaks to us, sometimes through vision, sometimes through harsh circumstances, but that if we pray to God and find favor with him, we will see God’s face and shout for joy; he will restore us to full well-being. Then we can go to others, admit our mistakes but share the joy that we did not get what we deserved, but instead God has delivered us from going down to the pit, and we shall live to enjoy the light of life (26-28).

Luke 1:

A priest named Zechariah was going about his daily duties, when all of a sudden an angel comes to him and begins to speak. He becomes scared. The angel says, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to call him John" (John the Baptist). The angel goes on to tell him all of the joy and delight that this son will bring to him and to the nations. But Zechariah is still standing there stunned and questions the angel, asking why he should believe him. The angel basically says, well, in case you haven't noticed I am an angel and God has sent me. But now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time (5-20).

What do all of these stories have in common? God IS speaking. But unless we recognize His voice (Samuel), listen to His truth (Job), and believe it (Zechariah), we won't hear it.

Moral of the story? God loves you and WANTS to give you the desires of your heart. But if you ask God to hear from Him, be ready to listen. What He says is always important, though you may not always understand why. I'm not sure why He has me writing this or the other post He gave me that night. If I'm being honest, I don't even fully understand why He has me writing at all, but I am doing it nonetheless. God gave me the inspiration and the words to say for my last blog post, but I questioned Him on it. I forgot, for a brief moment, that He is God and I am not. So He gave me this dream as a warning. Not to scare me away or yell at me, but as a gentle reminder that He knows better than I do.

One of my all time favorite worship songs is "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"... Maybe you've heard of it? I love it because it is just beautiful and so easy to connect with, but I also love it because every single time I sing it, I hear a new piece of God's truth spoken through it. We sang it at church this week, and in my mind, all of it connected directly to this situation. 

I had been struggling pretty hard over this past week since this encounter. I was feeling a bit like I failed, like I let my Father down. I had asked God to speak to me and He did! Almost immediately! And my reaction was to basically run and hide. He gave me multiple opportunities, yet I cowered each time. 

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"

These words speak peace to my soul. God is patient, God is kind. I may have "failed" temporarily this past week, but I am still trying. I did eventually post that blog. But I didn't talk about it at my small group when God wanted me to. My feet are failing, just a little, but God's grace abounds in deepest waters. He is my guide and although I may feel like I am failing, God never fails.

There is a lot of trust in following God if you are fully in it. Trust that He exists. Trust that it is Him talking to you. Trust that He will make everything work together for your good. Trust that He will use your imperfection. Trust in His grace that says we are forgiven anyways. Trust that what He says through you matters.

So my prayer for this time of my life is this:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

I am in uncharted waters for me. Six months ago, I couldn't have even imagined standing where I am today. God knows that. The same goes for you, too, friends! My "ocean" right now is learning to let God speak through me. Your "ocean" could be the same as mine, or maybe it is figuring out what to do with the rest of your life, or maybe it is overcoming grief, or maybe it is something completely different. I just want to encourage you today that God's grace is enough. He doesn't expect you to be perfect or to have it all figured out, He just expects you to keep your eyes on Him and try again.

"I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise"

<3

I am my Father's favorite

I love my daddy. And yes, I still call him Daddy.

My father has always been one of my biggest fans. He loves me unconditionally and he always has my back. He taught me what to look for in a man and he chased off those that were anything but the best. He taught me how to love and the kind of love that I deserve. He is proud of everything I do. He is a silent cheerleader, who doesn't always have very many words but is always standing by the sidelines, nodding approvingly. He believes in me. He listens to me and he values my opinions and thoughts. He lets me be me, but is always there when I need him. He is protective, but he lets me make mistakes.

My dad is a leader and a servant. He still opens car doors for my mom after 28 years of marriage. He has worked the midnight shift as long as I can remember, leaving for work as we went to sleep, coming home as we woke up, and still making time to spend with the family. My dad does not text, he does not even have a cell phone. He is the type of man that boyfriends are intimidated by, even before they've shaken his hand, though I'll never really understand why. Because to me he is gentle, kind, and goofy. He has a dry sense of humor and I think he sometimes messes with us on purpose, but totally gets away with it.

My daddy was the first man I ever loved. He is not perfect, but he is my dad. And I will always be a daddy's girl. The woman I am today has been shaped very much by who my father is.

Even when I mess up, even when I go through times of rebellion, my father is always there. Loving, accepting, helping. He doesn't like my sin, but he understands it and prays for me anyways. I know that my father would always accept me back, prodigal-son-celebration style, but because I love him, I do not WANT to sin. I do not want to hurt him. I want to make him proud.

Being a Christian is a little bit like that to me. Yes, there is this list of famous "DOs and DON'Ts," but that isn't the sum of our religion... I do not try to do what the bible says because it is on some list, but because I love my Father and I know He knows what is best for me. Even when I don't understand why, I know that He is not just giving us arbitrary "rules" because He can, but because He loves us, values us, and wants to protect us. And because we love Him and accept His love, we listen to His guiding words and perfect advice. We want to make Him proud, even though we definitely do not need to earn His love (which is great, because we never could!).

Today I wanted to remind you of how wonderful, loving, and amazing our heavenly Father is:

He makes us exactly who we are (Isaiah 64:8; Psalm 139:13)
"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb."

He is our comfort and our protector (2 Corinthians 1:3-5; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 46:1-2; Matthew 11:28)
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.”

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

He values us deeply (Matthew 6:26; 1 John 3:1)
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

He wants to give us everything He can, even if He must sacrifice (Luke 12:32; Matthew 7:9-11; John 3:16)
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.”

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

We are His favorite (Matthew 18:12-14; Luke 15:11-32)
“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?  And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.  In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost."

(about the prodigal son) "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate."

I've been blessed with a wonderful man to be my earthly father. Not everyone gets that. Some have that taken away far too quickly and it just isn't fair. But we have an even more perfect heavenly Father. One who quite literally wants to give us the world (and even better than the world, heaven!). One who is willing to sacrifice everything just to love us and have us with Him for all of eternity. One who calls us all His favorite.

<3

Another fun gathering of scripture about God's love for us: Father's Love Letter

Hold Me Near

I just wanted to share this sweet, simple song with you today. Especially for those who may feel like they are in a place similar to the one I described in my last post.

Even when you are rebellious, bitter, and broken, you are still SO loved. Feel that today.


Enter The Worship Circle - Hold Me Near


Hold me near, when I am restless
Hold me near, when I am bitter
Hold me near, when I'm rebellious
Hold me near until the end

Hold me near, when my heart is broken
Hold me near, when I'm ignorant
Hold me near, when I am jealous
Hold me near until the end

But as for me, my feet almost gave up, I nearly sold my heart
It's good to be held by my father, its good to be where you are 

<3

You know when you're dying...

I was one of those stereotypical "church kids." I grew up in church, was "saved" as a young child, went to church with the majority of my extended family even. Most of my memories of middle school and high school consist of wholesome youth group shenanigans. I could sing to you a thousand camp songs and provide the goofy dances that go along with them. I went on missions trips and led bible studies with my friends, because Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night just weren't enough. I was blessed to be surrounded by positive role models.

But then.

In 2009, I went through my first heartbreak. I experienced my first radical loss and I didn't know how to deal with it. I encountered a series of panic attacks and something the doctors called a "mini stroke" as a direct result. I was hurt and I was mad and didn't want to even deal with it emotionally at all. I began over-scheduling my life and doing everything in my power to stay preoccupied. At one point I was taking classes at three different colleges, while working 30 hours a week, and still spending several nights out with friends. I graduated undergrad in three years, even though I ended up having to transfer around a few times when plans fell through yet again. It was busy and it was stressful. But at least I didn't have to finish my grieving. I didn't even have to acknowledge it as grieving. I could just focus all of my attention on things like school and work and friends, and then the rest wouldn't even bother me.

I was upset with God for taking away what I felt I deserved. I figured my being a good kid and doing all of those good works must not have mattered if I could still experience such pain. So I stopped trying so hard. I made new friends and welcomed "less than Christian" experiences. I let God be God, but at a distance from me.

I went on living like this for another FIVE years.

I let myself become separated from God. I still attended church regularly throughout that entire time and would've even called myself a Christian. But there was a physical, mental, and emotional separation between me and Him. In my eyes, I had messed up, and therefore my future was indefinitely changed. I couldn't be a "perfect" or even a "good" Christian anymore because of my imperfect decisions.

Around this time last year, I was having a rough time. My decisions were reaching their breaking point and God said "enough." I was getting in painful, deep-cutting, knock down, drag out, angry verbal arguments on a daily basis. I was dreading each day. I was coming home from work and zoning out into endless Netflix or Minecraft marathons so I didn't have to feel the weight of my situation. I remember realizing the death of the situation I had put myself in and praying to God to help me through it. I remember thinking that I wanted a fresh start but feeling as though that were no longer an option for me. I thought that because of my past mistakes, I must deserve this. I realized I wasn't living the way I wanted to, but felt as if there was no way to fix it. I was just stuck.

One late night, through tears and frustration, and not knowing how to deal, I decided to draw. I didn't know what I wanted to draw, but I started doing it anyways. This was the result:

I thought nothing of it, really. It was just a picture. After I got it out of my system I was able to find rest for the night and went to sleep. I forgot about it entirely until a few months ago when I was showing some of my artwork to my boyfriend. I showed him some of the ones I was proud of but he stopped me when he saw this one. Not having yet known all the details of my past, he had no idea the circumstances surrounding its creation, yet he said it reminded him of "hope."

You know when you are dying. You know when you are in a bad place and want to feel life again. Whether this is spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, or an epic mix of them all, you know. When you are in a place of death, you may feel as if there is no hope left. But there is. And a part of you knows that. I had no intention to create an image depicting hope. I had just felt such inner turmoil and wanted to relieve some of that in the only way I knew how. Yet even in my darkest times, my inner being knew there was still hope. God had never once left me. Even when you feel like there is no hope, there is hope.

Fast forward to today.

Here I am, writing to you about my past and my hopelessness. Expressing some very deep, emotional truths from my inner being. Can I tell you that this was not even fathomable in my mind a year ago? I was a very closed off individual. I had my things and they were mine. I didn't want to share my imperfections because then people would see me as flawed. Yet here I am. After I wrote out my last post, I had a friend thank me for being so "open and honest." It took me a minute to understand what she was talking about until I went back and realized that I had been extremely open and honest in that post. This is just me. I see no point in censoring anymore. If I can help you with my transparency, that is just awesome. I don't need to be perfect. I find joy in sharing my flaws and the truths that God speaks through them. That hope that God so graciously gives to each of us completely takes away the need for us to be perfect. God not only accepts our mistakes but uses them for His good. He takes our broken pieces and shines through them in a way only He could. He is the potter, we are the clay. He made us the way we are on purpose (Isaiah 64:8).

Recently I found this pin on Pinterest about a japanese art form called "kintsukuroi" in which broken pottery is repaired with gold or silver lacquer, treating the breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise. They take the broken pieces and repair them with gold, understanding the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. Your cracks are part of your beauty.

One really cool example of this in the bible is the story of the woman at the well (John 4).

If you haven't heard the story, I will just give you a quick synopsis so that what I'm about to say makes sense. But I would also encourage you to just read it yourself because I'm not the bible.

Okay. So Jesus was traveling with his disciples when he came to a place called Samaria. He sat down by a well and was just hanging out until a woman came to get some water from that well. They had a conversation in which Jesus basically calls her out on all of her past mistakes, in a loving, yet all-knowing way. Instead of judging or reprimanding her, He tells her that he is the Messiah, and can provide her with everlasting water so that she will never be thirsty again. He says, "the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (verse 14). She leaves her water jar there and runs home to tell others what just happened.

Back story that makes this even cooler: Jesus was a Jew and this woman was a Samaritan. Jews did not associate themselves with Samaritans. But Jesus did. She was an outcast and looked down upon by her own people. She came alone to draw water from the community well when during biblical times drawing water and chatting at the well was the social highpoint of a woman’s day. However, this woman was ostracized and marked as immoral. He met her where she was. He was actively seeking her out. He didn't try to scold her for her past, but gives her hope. She could've just been like, "Okay, Jesus, cool, but that promise isn't for me." Instead she accepts this hope and runs home to spread the word. Now this is the part that connects to the rest of this post that I just recently noticed. This woman was a sinner. She had a past and it was obvious to those around her that she had a past. The Samaritans back home would've known this. So why would they believe her telling them about the holy Messiah? Do you typically believe the words of those you've deemed as unreliable or as "serious sinners"?

It was because she was so clearly changed. She became a spring of water to others. In verse 39, it says, "Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I ever did.”" She didn't keep her mistakes to herself, but used her own story to let others know of His grace and truth. Your "cracks" are a part of your story of hope! They make you, you. But you have to let God piece you back together. There has to be willingness. There has to be change. Trust me, I know it is so much easier in the short term to just stay. You become complacent and change is hard. The woman at the well could've just taken God's words for herself. But she didn't. She immediately went and shared this radical revelation, not caring about the possibility of others judging her.

In a less epic, but similar way, it is because of my past mistakes, sins, and struggles that I am who I am today. That's not a bad thing, it is a beautiful thing. I can guarantee that I, personally, wouldn't have been able to connect with the same people I can today had I lived my perfect "church kid" life. I couldn't speak of pain, heartbreak, hope, or grace in the same way I can today. But I had to make a change. I had to accept God's living water. I had to be willing to let Him change me. Even when that requires an insane amount of trust. Even when it is really, really hard. Even when I don't understand it right away. Even when others might judge me.

There is hope. You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are made new. But you have to be willing. You cannot hold onto your past and expect for a future as beautiful as the one God wants to give you.

____

Fun side note:
As I was writing this post, God was also speaking, independently, in the heart of my best friend and boyfriend about this same topic. He showed me what he was working on the other night and my immediate reaction was shock and amusement. His newest blog post clearly parallels this one in my mind, so I asked permission to share with you. In fact, as I've been prepping this message and going through some stuff the past few days, I've been blessed to have those words confirming God's presence. Jack is one of the most Godly, kind hearted, loving people I know and has his own blog over here: http://imaginethecolors.blogspot.com/2015/03/what-are-you-waiting-for.html

the little things.

I went on a cross country road trip this past summer. I drove from LA, California to Detroit, Michigan. I saw the Grand Canyon, the Four Corners, I stopped at Walt and Jesse's houses from Breaking Bad, I saw the St. Louis Arch, and was briefly terrified by an impending tornado in Kansas. I stopped at the Kansas City Library in MO, because I am an uber nerd, and I even spent several hours perusing a second library at a graduate school I once dreamed of attending. I drove 3,100 miles in five days, consumed an endless amount of caffeine, and took roughly a billion photographs.

Do you know what the best part of the trip was? The most memorable moments? It must have been the Grand Canyon, right? Or maybe visiting the university where I had planned on spending the next several years of my life? Nope. Not even close.

I can confidently say that the absolute best, most memorable moments of that trip were the random, unplanned, seemingly insignificant snapshots that are only retrievable in my own mind. I cannot share those images with you because they were not the moments I captured to post on Instagram or Facebook. They were not the events I had carefully planned in my itinerary.

It was driving through Arizona and seeing colors I had never seen before. It was blasting Dashboard Confessional and Jimmy Eat World and singing along terribly. It was meeting a woman on the road who had just lost her son and was bringing his ashes back home. It was having a near anxiety attack in a parking garage in St. Louis, MO. It was staring off a loading dock alone in the wee hours of the morning in Nashville, TN. It was good and it was bad.

The image at the top of this post is of me. Sitting on the edge of the world as I knew it. Holding onto my plans and my successes with every fiber of my being. Seeing my plans written into stone because I had carefully, strategically, and painfully carved them there.

Ever since I can remember I have been a stubborn, driven, persistent individual. I'm the type of person to have check lists that remind me to mark things off my check list and eat meals. I have always had plans for my life and plotted them along little timelines that were as good as gold in my mind. High school diploma by 17, Master's degree by 22, PhD by 25, husband and kids well before 30. I made little room for anything that interrupted or interfered with this at all. I ended relationships, I lost touch with friends. I even tattooed Jeremiah 29:11 on my arm, convincing myself that when my plans failed, it was because God had better plans...even though I didn't fully believe or trust that (yet). I rationalized that my plans were perfect, but maybe they just needed slight alteration now and again...and that must be why there were constantly issues arising.

Shortly after I returned from this epic road trip across our beautiful country, I suffered a very real mental and emotional breakdown. I saw my plans breaking down before my eyes. I saw that I was forcing these timelines so I could feel some sense of control and I was hurting people along the way. I saw that what I had wanted wasn't what God wanted. In trying to control everything in my life, I was also taking on the pain and guilt of every single mistake I had ever made. It all just continually piled on top of itself until I could no longer hold up the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then I felt everything all at once.

In the weeks and days thereafter, as I reflected back on the journey I had just returned from, I realized exactly what I told you earlier in this post. It was not the big destinations or planned stops that had touched me, changed me, or opened my heart to revelation. It was those little moments along the way, the ones I never could've planned for, and if I had, they probably wouldn't have had as much impact anyway. It sounds cliche, but we expect our lives to be comprised of "destinations" like degrees, marriage, children, money, etc. We look so wholeheartedly towards those things that we often miss the little moments that can breathe real life into our monotonous existence. We put so much effort into achieving goals that we inevitably become our own gods.

Since my dark time following the road trip, God has been working in me and through me more powerfully than I had ever experienced before. He tore down my walls and is helping me to see the life of His truth in the small moments of my everyday life more and more each day. I want to share some of these simple, yet life changing moments with you! My hope is that some of my imperfect words spoken quietly through a computer screen will speak life to the parts of you that are broken as well.

For today, I just wanted to introduce this new blog and invite you on my little journey. I've never done this before, but I am excited and have already begun writing out ideas for future posts (my planner nature still subtly shining through). But for now, if you are one of those planning people like me, I wanted to just leave you with a couple words of encouragement.

God has an appointed time to fulfill the visions, dreams, and desires in your heart. Just because it has taken a long time or because you’ve tried and failed doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. Don’t give up on those dreams! Don’t be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. Our God is a faithful God (Habakkuk 2:3). He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end (Ecclesiastes 3:11). 

God has really cool plans for us. We might think we know better, or that we understand what it is He is doing. Whether your life is going perfectly right now or you are frustrated with your timelines not working out exactly how you had planned, just remember that God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has a set time for your opportunities and your breakthroughs. It may be tomorrow, next week, or ten years from now. But when you understand the time has already been set, it takes all the pressure off! You won’t live worried, wondering when this is ever going to happen. You’ll relax and enjoy your life knowing that the promise has already been fulfilled and your answer is on the way. Just don't be so focused on the big picture that you miss out on the little things!